Update!

it's finally time for me to update my blog! first, I apologize for my lack of updates. lately, i have been strictly using this blog for my schooling and the posts have truly been lacking any excitement or passion. but im ready to pour out my passion and love and update you on this crazy roller coaster ride.

warning: this is going to be lengthy so prepare yourself!

There is so much that I want to tell you about this experience. I am officially a first grade teacher. I know i have been a first grade teacher since July, but I am finally FEELING like a first grade teacher and feel confident in my role. I was on a run the other day and 3-D shapes started playing from my iPod, yes this is real.

I have been given so many opportunities here that have both excited me and confused me. When I look back on a year ago to when I was leaving my lovely home in Indiana, this was nothing like the picture I painted in my head. I will be honest, I left everything. I left a wonderful neighborhood, my perfect family, supportive friends, a boyfriend that I loved, a sick grandpa, job opportunities, and a nephew that I was afraid would forget me. I didn't know how much I had until I was miles away from it and I would be completely lying if I said that it wasn't tough. I think that I have completely changed as a person. I don't think I ever realized how selfish I was until I met my students. I am sure it compares to being a parent. When I was in college, every thought seemed to be centered around one thing: me. Will I pass the test? What class should I take? Should I go out tonight or study? Where should I apply for jobs? What should I eat for lunch? Now, everything revolves around my 26 wonders. Would they like this lesson? Are they okay? How can I make them happy? Do they understand? This is my new train of thought, and I am so satisfied with that. However, day in and day out and I constantly struggling with this idea of privilege.

I feel like I am so stuck with figuring out how to run away from all of this privilege that I have been given. The crazy thing about this word is that everyone has it! Everyone is privileged in one way shape or form, because everyone is different and everyone has something to offer. But I am having a hard time figuring out why God chose to give me so much. I feel like he is challenging me to give it all away- and I don't know that I have found out how to do that. My biggest regret that I have had this year is not immersing myself more in my children's culture. I dislike the fact that my kids walk to school completely hungry and I don't. I can't stand the fact that when the bell rings at 3, they are gone back to their lives and I drive home in a new car to a different zip code. I go home to make a healthy meal with organic foods, take a warm shower, and fall asleep on a bed. They go home to a house the size of my room, with no air conditioning, often no lights, no showers, no dinner, and bed bugs on the floor which doubles as their "bed." I promise you that I am grateful for all that I have, but the fact is, I don't need it. I go home to all of these things that really aren't needs at all. The funny thing is, I am so in my element with them. I LOVE walking my kids home from school. When their parents forget them, I get to walk them home and the kids and I both love it! As I walk through their neighborhoods, I smile and wave at the community that I love. I feel so safe there and know that they would always protect me. I have one little boy that I have walked home more than once, and I have been noticing he secretly tries to get left behind so that we can walk together again. Truthfully, I don't mind. I don't like when they have to go home, and neither do they. It is spring break this week and my children were almost in tears leaving Friday afternoon. My sweet boy put his hands on his head and said "NO! I don't want to go to Spring Break because I will miss you so much." The feelings are mutual, I will be thinking about them always. My other young boy grabbed every worksheet he could find to make sure he had something to do. Not ONE of them is going on vacation like the spring breaks I had as a child and they were asking to please take a pencil home so that they could have one at home. They are truly amazing. They love education and are so appreciative of their lives. The world needs more of them.

With all of these thoughts, it's easy for you to see that I want to do more. I love being their teacher, but I feel that God is calling me to go beyond the classroom. My love for these children is beyond words. I would go to the end of the Earth for them. For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to help people. I know that God places everyone on this Earth as part of his master plan. I cannot wait to see what he allows me to do. Maybe he will take me farther, to a place where my students are seen as "rich" and where the people are grateful for each other and the grace of God, because they have nothing else. Maybe he will allow me to create an organization where students get to receive extra services, warm meals, character development, and employment help on the weekends to keep their learning going and provide them with a safety net. Because when I am on home visits or with them outside of school, that is when my passion is on fire! I don't know what this all means, but I know that everything in my life has led up to the now and at the end of it all, I hope to be standing before my God hearing "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

I told you this was going to be long, but there is a lot you need to know! So now an update on my kids! (The best part). I have written about my student with an emotional disability, one that cannot control his anger. It is so crazy to think about him in July. This child would destroy my room daily. Taking down my posters and ripping them to shreds. I remember his kindergarten teacher telling me that she could never have push pins in his reach. She told me this after he pulled one from my wall and stabbed a girl's behind. I remember standing in front of the class each day and writing on the board while he would erase everything I wrote. Did I ever get frustrated? Yes. Not for my sake, but for my other children. But something about this child excited me. I saw an opportunity, and you bet I was going to run with it. This child is my story. We have a mutual love and respect for each other that is undying. When he is himself, he is constantly showering me with love and appreciation. He writes me letters saying "you are so good for me." We ate lunch together while he chatted with me about how he used to be "so bad" in Kindergarten, but he doesn't do that anymore. He is so mature, so loving, and has this need to help others around him.

My other story is a young boy that God laid on my heart. My little boy in my class who came to me with his family on meet the teacher night with the largest smile in the world! Two months later, his world was flipped upside down. He was removed from his home and placed in foster care with a family that speaks Spanish. FYI, this boy does not speak spanish. He was no longer with his biggest fan, his mother. And his little brother was miles away. His behavior began to change immediately. I will never forget the day that he was yelling at me in my face, to the point where I was almost in tears. It was so hard for me to let him react, but I knew in my heart that I was the only stable person for him and he needed to let out his anger somehow. I was so scared that he misunderstood my love for him. He was so confused! When I had to call his foster mom to take him home after a day of misbehavior, he starting screaming and crying "ALL OF THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT. I WILL GO TO A NEW HOME AND IT WILL BE ALL BECAUSE OF YOU!" I hurt for him and stood there, silent, letting him try to face his emotions. He would talk to me about his situation and say, "I pray every night Miss Abney. I pray that my mom will learn to be a better mom." or "When I get mad, I know I can pray." These motivated me so much to show him my unconditional love for him, no matter what. I'm happy to say that our love is mutual and understood. He has made an incredible turn around and amazes me with his coping mechanisms. He is lactose intolerant so I decided to bring him some chocolate almond milk (one of my favorites) to school for our cookies and milk party. He looked at me, feeling so special and happy, and said "Miss Abney, we are so much alike. One day could you pick me up and we can go hiking and drink almond milk?" I was on cloud nine. I spoke with his real mom yesterday, and she said that he already can't wait for next monday when we are back at school.

Those are my two turn-around stories, the ones that every teacher has. However, all of my kids are my stories. I see this amazing potential in them, and qualities that will leave a legacy. We are focusing on what it means to be kind to others in the world, learning that our hearts can hurt because of other people's choices, which is so powerful, but so simple to avoid. We also talk about being positive and never using our energy on negative things. Both play a domino effect and if we choose to stop negativity then everyone around us benefits. We call them "no negative people" in our class, and strive to be that person. 

I have one young girl who is always so positive and goes out of her way for everyone. She never wants anyone to hurt, and will make sure that everyone truly feels happy. She is going to be a teacher, I know it. And she is going to work so hard for her students, until she is physically exhausted. 

I have one young girl who is an artist! When you give her paper and a pencil, she will create a masterpiece, but only if she is passionate about it. She is creating me at home, let's see how it turns out. :)

I have a boy who is so happy all the time and wants everyone to follow the rules. He always walks in late and explains his situation with a smile. "Hey guys! Sorry I'm late! My power went out again!" I'm not kidding, he says this while smiling and toothpaste down his face and shirt. He will be voted Mr. Congeniality.

I have a young boy who has a genuine concern about everyone. He will help them any chance he gets, even if he doesn't know the right answer himself. He also has never eaten a salad... When he saw lettuce on the ground he said "Teacher! What is this?! We do not eat plants..." He was so confused.

I have a young boy who can create math problems in his head. He loves numbers! He will sit in front of the clock just to watch the time, or stand at the back of the line so that he can count students. He is extremely creative and will most likely create a roller coaster at Disney.

My whole class is so special and each and every one of them has an important spot in my heart. They are so kind, loving, and grateful. They literally will change the world. They already have changed my life, I can only imagine the impact they will make.

Lastly, I wanted to place a young girl in your heart. This is a 6th grade girl that was on my soccer team. Not only is she an outstanding soccer player, but she is one of the most inspiration people I have ever met. Remember my young boy who is in foster care, this is his older sister. If you can think about the situation she was placed in, she now has the responsibility of raising her six year old brother. There were mornings she would come to my room and just cry. "I need help. I can't do this. I don't know what to do." I hurt for her, but secretly knew that if anyone could do it, it was her. She knows how to remain so positive when her world is flipped upside down, something that most people could not do. She invited me to a  Mother's Day Brunch at her church yesterday. I sat at the table of all of the important women in her life. I was beaming and felt so honored to be sitting in her presence. Last minute, she decided to sing a song acapella for the audience. As she stood up there shaking, the lyrics surrounded my heart and head. She sang "No Matter What" which was about how even in the hardest situations, God is there no matter what. Even when everything felt so broken, she wasn't alone. I had goosebumps and was reminded of how powerful faith can be.

For those of you who read to the end, thank you for following along on my journey. I know that I cannot change where my student's live or what they go home to at night. I know that I am not able to change this world, but I know that I can change one person, and it will be a ripple effect. The power of love is unstoppable.

All my love and hope,

Miss Abney